The Paradox of the Artist

Monday 19 January, 2:29am

I’ve been reading Dean Stevenson’s journal collection “4PM - 50 First Drafts” and find myself writing a journal entry of my own. The most striking things, reading these notes, is the constant self checking of ego - the thing that allows us to work and perform, is the very thing that needs to be dismantled in order for us to see and feel, not as performers, but as humans. Humanity which inspires the art which requires ego to perform. An eternal cycle of transformation. Looking within to send out.

The idea of the tortured artist is one that I’ve always dismissed. The pragmatic part of my mind hears “get on with it” in both the voice of my mother and father. Less thinking more doing.The tortured artist appears paralysed by needless quandary and the compulsive asking of unanswerable questions. Looking outwards provides perspective and gives us a sense of purpose by being of service.

What I realise reading Dean’s journal entries, is that the artist by definition is compelled to do no less than explore both light and dark, and hold both within themselves. It is their duty to find both the humble solitude where long thoughts can be thunk, and also the spotlight from which those thoughts and ideas can be transmitted. To be equally at home in the dark as in the deafening, blinding light… the torture is in the simultaneous finding of courage, and the checking of ego. Too much introspection and the work remains unfinished. Too much courage and the unchecked ego turns malignant.

An artist is a paradox. Don’t go to them for answers - they’ll only present both arguments and counterarguments, because no truth is simply binary. Truth requires context, and the more context one has, the less obvious the truth appears. Perhaps the only universal truth, and also context, is love.

Is the reason for taking a course of action love… or ego. Differentiating between even those two can be difficult. If love that nurtures is soft, and love that strengthens is hard, then in some instances love can look a lot like ego. So love as a universal answer is not so simple after all.

I think I will avoid being an artist if I possibly can. It seems hard and most of them have no money.

But they are rich in ways that money can’t buy.

Damn.